So over two years or longer since I used this. Things going on with me and may explain a lot of past behavior. I'm bi-polar. I am not bad enough to be on medication, but you can tell the change in my moods. They aren't violent high-lows like most bi-polar patients have. I have found a way to calm myself without the use of meds and it works great. Anything to do with hair, music, or art. =) Anyways.. Onto the main reason I'm on here. I think I'm going to start using this more now because, well, why the hell not? I mean Evan doesn't have this and this may seem horrid, but there are just some relationship things I'd rather post without him seeing... Maybe. I love him. November 8th. My birthday and our 3 year anniversary is coming up. We were engaged and just recently broke it off, but still are dating. I moved out of the house and it's been a month and a half. I, as you may or may not know (or care about), have mixed feelings about this. This man, Evan, is the one. I can see us getting married, having kids, etc. etc. So this whole thing.. It fails in epic proportions. Maybe I have it hardwired in me that after 2 years, I should just drive the person away from me. (If you must know reference to past relationships.) I have no problems mentioning names here. Joel-2 years- I didn't appreciate you when I should have. I have already told you this when we last saw each other. It was a great time. My first love and god I won't forget. Can you believe I still have a few of the notes you written to me? (I know right?) I was young and naive, but that doesn't make it any better. I took you for granted and I know this. I am sorry so you know and I hope you get to read this eventually. Ian-2 years- You were great at a distance. We were wonderful when we didn't see each other. As it was, it was a horrible idea to date and thank god we didn't get married. (No offense. I loved the idea of you and I, but I don't think I was in love with you. I was in love with being in love.) We had great times and you took me to England! I don't think I wouldn't have gotten that experience without you. Phantom of the Opera! in London. AMAZING. Spending time with you was great too, but stressful. We fought the entire time and I found out somethings about you that you didn't want me to. Either way I'm glad you're happy. I would love to say I'm sorry, but this segway led me to who I am with now, and for that, I can't be apologetic. To all the guys in between those two.. They were flings. Relationships that didn't last longer than maybe 6 months. Great times and horrible decisions, but all of you helped me grow up. Now to the main man in my life, Evan Rookey. I love you and yeah I fuck up. We get busy because we both work different schedules. I don't mean to take you for granted, but after having you there for me day and night.. I just assume you'll do the things I expect you to do. I shouldn't and I know that, but you do it too. It's probably good that we are working it out without being around each other all the time because the constant fighting was killing us. Needless to say I'm still not happy about it, but it has also given me time to sit down and have time for just me. I've been able to go out and not worry about what you think about me coming home at like 3 in the morning. Though I know you still worry, you shouldn't. I've been able to hang out with all my friends I haven't seen in years and actually have fun and the best part is you are too! I think the best part of Evan that even though we aren't engaged at this moment he still says "When we're married...". It's not a what-if thing with him. (Apparently I can't call quits just yet.  ) We know we are going to eventually take the leap and if we don't I'm okay with that because I am coming to realize that I don't need a man to be happy. I just need myself, my family, and to keep doing what I do best, be me. Oh and do hair which I love! It took me awhile to realize this, but finding what you really want and where you want to be can take time. For now though, I think I'm going to call this a good stopping point. This post has been really cathartic. (Am I using that sentence correctly? I do believe so..) To all who read this. I didn't write this in no way to bash anyone I've mentioned in this post. It's a turning point in my life that I haven't written down yet. Thanks and good night. -Brittany- | 